[RedM]: Outlaw's Atonement - 4
Pull the Trigger
I never thought I could be that angry before. Gun in my hand, And a lawman tied up on the floor. One day prior, These same walls had held my brother. This same man had beaten him Dealt him one blow and then another. We’d scrambled like rabid animals Trying to find and free him Six hostages we’d grabbed By the time we knew where to reach him. They told us they’d bargain Knew we were good for our word But when we got there they’d already sent him Off to get his time served. We’d kept our word but they had lied. Standing on the ramparts, his expression was snide. The hostages we’d brought They threatened to shoot them too They had no problem killing civilians If it meant taking in our crew. Their ultimatum hit With devastating impact: My brother would meet the noose If we tried to attack. Though rage filled our hearts, We had no other options to speak here. To press them on their threat Would be to kill our leader. We found out later they’d laughed Watching how hard we tried I still seethe remembering How hard I’d cried. I never thought I could be that angry before. Gun in my hand, And the man responsible on the floor. We’d screamed at each other For minutes on end Lawmen were supposed to be good, I said They were supposed to be different. They were supposed to be better than us Supposed to keep their word That badge was supposed to mean something Was his judgement really so blurred? I had no high horse to stand on though Of all people I knew how low I’d sunk Especially in these past few months. Our world had turned upside down Guns encroached on us from all sides Desperation warped us, wore on us, And broke us like the tides. My hands were far from clean And I didn’t enjoy a minute of it But a good soldier knows That you don’t have to love it. We’d just come so far, We couldn’t quit. He baited me: “You want to save your people? So then, do it. You think you have that in you? Then go on, prove it. Take out your gun And shoot me in the head. Surely you’ll have won– Once you shoot me dead.” …My gun was in my hand Before I knew what was happening Brought it up to his head But my thoughts were still grappling– Who was I if I could pull that trigger? And who was I if I couldn’t? Would I let myself be a cold-blooded killer? And who was I if I wouldn’t? I searched his gaze As he lay there on the floor He stared up at me, And for a second I swore His sneer had wavered. We both knew ending this war Was a taste I’d have savoured. You’ll have won, He’d said. Once you shoot me dead. …He had nowhere to run. I could paint the floor red. The building had gone silent Time slowed to a crawl He closed his eyes and said: “May God be with you all.” I wanted nothing more in that moment Than to put my finger on the trigger and squeeze Heart pounding in my ears oh GOD– I could hardly even breathe. I wanted to be what they all needed from me Ruthless and strong No more just the gang’s little tagalong. After all this time And everything I’d done I couldn’t afford to be weak I couldn’t afford to run. If I took his life, A doomed course I would charter. I wouldn’t end anything. I would only make him a martyr. But after everything he’d done My anger roared with vigor. Get over yourself– I thought – And pull the damn trigger. … But I couldn’t. That soft little girl, I hated that I was still her But that soft little girl, Still wasn’t a killer. My resolve broke And I lowered my navy. He opened his eyes Stared like I was crazy. In my heart I knew What the gang would say-- They would have seen it through Would've made him plead and pray. Even he called me weak as I walked away. I was the weakest link. God knows I took that rough. After everything I was still the milk-toothed pup, My teeth never sharp enough. I left him that day knowing I was not the monster he thought I was. But the solace was minimal And tasted like sawdust I spared him that day. And God knows I paid for it. It wasn’t too long That I had to wait for it. He told them he’d torture me And he made good on that promise Left me bloody and broken– Gasping Unconscious. I was left with no answers When he died shortly thereafter Just rage and fear Wreaking wild disaster Something in me snapped that day Something in me changed I spent months trying to understand What drove him to that place But all I found was the truth Bleeding through every page One that rattled the bird Inside her little cage I was scared to admit But there was no better way to sum it: You don’t start the monster– You become it.