Sister

A free verse poem

Photo by Josh Applegate on Unsplash

Believer though we’ve always been,
My brother and I didn’t grow up in the church.
That’s not to say there weren’t attempts
Several, even.
But for one reason or another,
None of them stuck.
Work and school kept us busy
And the smiles of strangers stung sour on our skin.
In our minds, their niceties were hollow and forced—
The last thing we ever wanted from a connection to God.
These people didn’t know us
How could they be so kind
When they didn’t know us?

We’ve attended church twice a week
Every week
Since it happened.
Trying to make sense of tragedy.
Trying to find the way forward.
The congregation grieves for us, with us
An outpouring of love and shared grief
For a boy they never knew the way we did.
For a family they barely know
But they know the most important thing about us.
They try to offer comfort in any way they know how
And every drop of it
Every single drop
Feels genuine.

The tragedy has reconnected us with extended family
Cousins we grew up with like siblings
We’re all doing our best to stay in contact
To not drift away from each other again.
We have lunch and dinner at each other’s houses
We hike trails in the mountains
And complain about work and the weather.

We wish it hadn’t taken this
To bring us back to each other
We wish it had taken anything else
But him.

In the church we talk and sing
Of destiny. God’s plan.
Of sacrifice.
Of the world being saved
By the blood
of God’s only Son.
Mother Mary, did you know?
Did He tell you
That your baby boy
Would one day slip through your fingers
But He would teach you so much
About love
And grief?

Mother Mary, did you know?
That His blood would deliver you?
Did you know He would conquer death?
Did you mourn Him anyway?

My brother was born with the cord wrapped around his neck.
Every push dropped his blood pressure.
When we were kids, he nearly drowned in a pool at a family get together
But was saved by a cousin from a side of the family we never see anymore.
How many times did we almost lose him?
Am I supposed to understand
That we were always going to?
Have I mourned for my brother
Our entire lives?

…I don’t think I’m meant
To make such comparisons.
I’m worried it might qualify
as some level of blasphemy.

But my heart
Aches.
And I can’t help but wonder—

If Jesus had a sister
Would she know my pain?